What a Christmas Gift we have here in the form of Vivienne’s deeply personal, authentic writing, offered with Giant Courage!
How important is it to find out that you have grief that is buried,
and to work through it?
Vivienne knows and tells us:
it can be a matter of life and death.
The messages we’ve been seeing on these pages are such blessings
from broken hearts who know not to diminish such pain. You are safe
here, Vivi, to be seen and heard by your fellow travelers who will
surround you with love and healing, too.
With incredible openness, you dare to hold your terrified heart up to
us to be seen for what it has endured and survived.
With a grateful heart, I am proud to entrust your humble, honest offering
to the sensitivity of our caring, insightful community who, I’m sure, will
caress it as a treasure better than the gold of the Magi.
Vivienne’s Gift of Christmas in July
“You know. I know you know. That deep darkness where you hear nothing and see nothing. That hole you want to stay in and just die, disappear into the nothingness. Nobody will miss you anyway. Nobody loves you really.
Oh, they say the words but do they really????
‘But how can you leave me?’ my mother cried. I’m sure you have heard that before? ‘What about me, your husband, your mother, your family, etc. etc. etc?’ Unless you have been here in the darkness you will never get it. Never.
I was born into a broken family, unexpected and definitely unwanted. In the way. I felt it in the womb already. Abused emotionally, physically and mentally by my mother and sexually by my father. How then am I supposed to be “NORMAL”??? How do I fit in and excel and flourish and thrive when my own mother does not love me? I thought I was adopted. I said how can anybody else love me if my own mother does not love me? I had to be the mother and be sure never to incite her unnecessarily. ? I learnt young to fit in and behave and conform. It was the only way I could pretend I belonged. I grew up in friends’ houses with their families, always on the outside looking in but so desperately wanting to be a part of a family. Belong in a family.
My mother competed with me. Compared weight and sizes and wanted to be me and have my life and my boyfriends. I never heard: “I am so proud of you Vivienne, I love you Vivienne, You are beautiful Vivienne.”
I was never engulfed in a hug to feel comforted and loved. I longed for that my whole life and looked for it in all the wrong places with all the wrong men.
Promiscuous, trading on my blonde hair and figure and face and sexuality. Thinking that sex equals love but it always left me so empty and so alone.
I have experienced much grief in my life. More than one person should ever have to endure.
I always felt odd. I never quite fitted in. Conversations that family, friends and people had sounded inane and mundane to me. I was younger than 6 but I felt so old.
I learnt as time passed. I had to learn. I learnt to fit in, to adapt and conform. I became a chameleon ever changing to the environment around me.
There was a TV series called ‘The Pretender.’ He could be anyone or anything. I felt like that for most of my life. I have an amazing memory. I read about things or watch a program and I recall details I need about medicine or car racing or animals or teaching. I use that to adapt and fit in.
I have my whole life had this amazing fantasy world and imagination. I never get bored. I regularly lose myself in the pages of a book. I escape this cruel unfair ugly world.
Tomorrow when the sun rises I must put on my mask and face the world.
My mother should not have had children. My brother she held over the balcony of our flat on the 16th floor. She held him by his ankles and told him, ‘If you don’t stop being naughty I will let you go.’
She beat us with a wooden coathanger. I got hit more because I refused to cry. Red, blue and purple welts raised all over my body but I would not cry.
My stepdad wanted to buy me my own horse. My whole life I wanted my own horse and my own child. I never got either.
I was about 9 when my Dad said he would buy me a horse. My mother woke me up at around 3am, digging her finger in my shoulder so that she left bruises. She told me I will never get a horse. She needed things and she was going on holiday. I never got my horse.
I remember one day when my real Dad fetched me to visit
and I was in the bath and he came in.
I blocked the rest out.
When I was 10/11 he fetched me every 2nd Saturday, I used to go watch soccer with him. He dropped me off and kissed me like I was his girlfriend.
I never told anyone. Who could I tell? Who would believe me?
Men have consistently liked me, chased me, all the time I had such a low self esteem but the masks and the Pretender played the game of life well.
3 marriages. Affairs. All I have ever wanted is to come first in someone’s life. Really truly come first!!!! I imagine that it must be a wonderful feeling, a beautiful experience.
Landed in hospital where the Dr told my ex-husband that
what I took would have been fatal.
I was not playing.
2 miscarriages. My whole life I wanted my own child. I wanted to feel that unconditional love that a mother has for her child. Nobody has been able to explain that feeling to me. It’s impossible to verbalise, it has to be felt.
This all caused me to be and play the victim for so long it was actually tiresome. Tiresome for me and others. I was in the dark, buried underneath all of my shit but I had this itch, this yearning to see the light and to be in the light. How beautiful and restorative it is to be in the light.
It’s taken so long, many years to finally come out into the light.
I was so bereft, so lost for so long, feeling unloved and unwanted.
I survived all that but last year I fell into that dark pit again and googled
the best way to take an overdose to ensure success. Amazingly Google,
as usual, is very informative and factual.
I can only thank God and the wonderful people He put in my life. I “found” Diane Lemon on FB and her words and her site resonated so strongly with me that I was impelled to ask her to join. Her question about my loss and grief and then her reply to what I wrote opened the door and got me started on the final, true and real path of healing.
If we took videos of my counseling with her in December last year and then now, you would think it’s 2 different people. I’ve been for counseling before and got help but I never understood that my grief had been buried and I so desperately needed to work through my grief.
At one stage we didn’t speak for 7 weeks after I shared some scary stuff. Thunderstorms and lightning storms so hectic that we had no connectivity. When we spoke again we realised that I was so scared of sharing anymore that I had actually manifested them so as to not have to speak. What an enormous breakthrough. What a revelation.
I’m so grateful for being saved. I’m grateful for all my trials. This has all been part of my walk and learnings that I can help others. What a privilege that is to help. To let God’s light shine through me and light the way for someone else.
To have found Joy Support and Di is the biggest miracle for me that I have experienced in my life so far.
I truly, honestly believe that I would not be alive today to share without the kindness and support and guidance and unconditional love.
I have always been ridiculed for my sensitivity, my entire life I have been told, ‘oh you are too sensitive, you are so sensitive.’ Well, I am an EMPATH, I am supposed to be sensitive. It has been liberating for me to embrace that and to be able to say FUCK YOU, I am not too sensitive.
I believe that I have found my Tribe. This growing group of enlightened beings, starting to live our purpose and show love and implement change.
Sweeping your pain and your grief under the carpet and putting on a brave face and plastering a big smile on your face does not help you. It does not serve you.
It comes back to bite you in the ass. Big time.
My saving grace is truly Di Lemon. My angel on earth and grief counselor par excellence.
Thank you Thank you Thank you for my life and my future.
So happy to have you in it.
Thank you GOD!!!!
musings. . .
Pink tells what “Beam Me Up” means in the 30 second video below. She also had 2 miscarriages.
wrapping up by Di …
Dear, Brave Vivienne!
I know you wanted to tell all this for a long time.
Thank you for “Daring Greatly.” May you feel the blessing of our love.
You have done some universal good today. Let’s sum it up.
Two threads are interlacing here:
1. The raw outcry of desperate childhood grief,
trapped, unheard, ignored and glossed over.
2. Serious current grief heightened by the continued
screaming and old protective behavior patterns.
My gratitude to you, Vivienne, for underscoring how the abused child’s urgency to please can continue as a lifelong pattern of inauthentic protective behavior that becomes like a sealed coffin in which one feels buried alive.
Many have experienced the resulting bleakness of feeling no purpose in life and no chance of escape from the pain.
How grateful I am that you survived your suicide efforts and reached out
beyond the iron grip of that trap.
I’m struck with your rising from the terrifying quicksand of childhood grief to be able to start processing your adult grief:
“I lost my babies through miscarriage twice but I was further than 12 weeks both times. I still think of them and how old they would be now.
There are no words to say to a parent who has lost a child.“
Could it be that your two miscarried babies are “beaming you up” into
the vision of truth that sets free the Infinite Love you are here to birth?
What about you, dear Fellow Travelers? Have you lived a lifetime with underlying unheard pain? Is it glossed over?
How is your raw, human outcry a self-imposed coffin?
Can you imagine your deep-rooted pain becoming the seed broken open to sprout your newly opening and unfolding Joy of Being?
Who is “beaming you up?”
Please let us know your thoughts in the comment area below.
(Your comments will be included in the Ebook Keepsake you will receive after the 12 days are done.) 😜 “wink”
links to previous pages
(in case you missed it). . .
DAY 1 – Magenta: Waiting in Darkness
DAY 2 – JFP: Living after Heart surgery and 5 strokes
DAY 3 – JANE: Visiting Family – Layers of Love and Grief
DAY 4 – JFS: Loss of Someone to Care For
DAY 5 – SANDY: Allowing my Beloved Partner’s Memory to Live on