Priscilla opened my eyes and heart to the unique feelings of Grieving after the death of her first Love, a special person she hadn’t seen in many years.
She shines a soft light on the innocent and deep connection of “first love.”
Her sharing showcases the beautiful joy of fearless immersion in soul comradeship before it came to the split.
I didn’t think about the pensiveness that can enshroud these memories with the sadness of an “unfinished symphony;” How there’s a single dissonant chord pushing to mix the whole song into a satisfying resolution.
But now, this song is out of time,
and there can be no resolution between the two once-ecstatic lovers.
Or can there?
The resulting surreal mist is the signature of Grief. But we have grown up conditioned to blow off that mist, diminishing the pain, suggesting its insignificance.
It’s an honor to place this offering within the heart of this loving community, to give Priscilla a safe place to speak without fear of belittling judgment.
Let’s take in her feelings with recognition of a fellow traveler who has
a delicate seed to plant softly in a world that can be hard soil.
How to cope with the death of an Ex, even if you’re re-married.
“A Toast to Innocence” by Priscilla
“It’s a question I’ve struggled with over the last 5 weeks, ever since I found out that my first boyfriend, my first true love died. William’s passing hit me much harder than I ever thought it would. After all, we hadn’t been together for about 30 years. We both lived full lives since our relationship. He married a woman not long after our break-up and had three children together. I had a son a couple years after our breakup, since married, and have lived a lot of life in between.
So, why was his death hitting me so hard?
He was my first true love.
As I began to approach 50, for some reason, William kept popping into my mind. I was thinking of him a lot, remembering how in love we were, how many wonderful times we experienced together. I remember a time when we were driving at night in a snow storm on a backwoods, windy road. It was quite scary, actually. We pulled over, and a song we both loved came on the stereo: Auld Lang Syne by Dan Fogelberg. William commented that would be us someday in the future. We would run into each other and have a conversation over some beers about who we ended up marrying, our kids, and what our life was like. At the time, I was a bit bothered by it because we were still together, and there was no discussion about splitting up. After all, we were to be married, at least in my mind.
Now, as I approached 50 and we both married other people, I was craving that conversation.
It was time.
Being happily married, I didn’t push too hard to track him down, but I did reach out to mutual friends, asking how he and his wife were doing. The primary response was “things aren’t good.” People I reached out to kept
me at an arm’s length as his current wife was trying to keep the marriage together. I just heard little snippets of what his life was like. In the midst of sleuthing, I discovered he had lost his home (the one we built together) to foreclosure. I knew that was hard for him after 30+ years of living there and raising a family. I also discovered his alcoholism took a turn for the worst.
His wife ended up divorcing him since he wouldn’t stop drinking. I continued reaching out to others in a cautious nonchalant manner. When really deep inside I was desperate to talk to him. They said they didn’t know how to get hold of him. I couldn’t shake him out of my head. It became almost an obsession.
He wouldn’t leave my mind.
I prayed that he would get in touch with me or that we would cross paths out and about in the world.
Days before his passing, My Mom said I was thinking of him for a reason and that I should just drive up to his neck of the woods and search the bars. I wanted to, but I was also wanting to stay more discreet so as not to ruffle any feathers with my current husband, and William’s now ex wife. It was a strange internal barrier that I created, not realizing that was actually keeping us apart.
Within days, I received a private message from his brother to call him. I was excited that he finally responded to my requests about William, but within the first couple of sentences, he informed me they had found William’s body. Those words will permanently resound in my head. I sobbed, “oh god no, no, no, noooooo!”
I would never have that promised conversation.
I went into that strange place of grief and shock where I couldn’t focus, the world seemed a mile away, and I would occasionally come to consciousness not knowing where I was or what I was doing .
I simply couldn’t believe it.
I was numb.
I was not only hoping for that conversation, but maybe if things worked out in the future, we could have an incredible reunion story later in life.
I spent the first 24 hours absolutely in shock, with many tears. I actually admitted to my husband that William was the love of my life as my first love. Fortunately, my husband, who has been married 3 other times, understood my grief. He has been wonderfully supportive.
It’s a Lonely Experience
Ultimately, the grief I was experiencing was lonely. It was so long since
we had been together, or seen each other. The support naturally went to
his ex wife (they were only divorced a couple months before he died), his daughters, and family. I had a yearning to attend his funeral, but had another obligation and I could not go. It seemed a cruel trick from the universe.
Ask for Signs
I immediately asked for signs from William’s spirit. I didn’t know how to go on without the answers I was seeking, such as had he thought about me over the last couple of years while I was intensely thinking of him? Did we have a connection? Why did he not marry me? How come he was allowing his addiction to keep him from his family? What special memories does he have of our relationship? So many questions unanswered. We obviously had unfinished business/karma, and I was the only one left to wrap it up.
It stirred up my grief of the loss of our relationship many years ago. I felt like I lost him all over again, except this time it was forever. I know I’ll see him again when I cross over, but I really have no idea what that will be like. For now, I have to settle on never, ever seeing him in physical form – ever again.
Settle on living with a missing piece of yourself
Since William’s passing, I have come to realize he was the love of my life. We were soul-mates, I do believe that wholeheartedly. I can see that we both have two soul-mates, each other, and our spouses. A little piece of my heart is broken, and a piece of it is missing with William. I know time heals, but our relationship was so special, I don’t believe I will ever fully get over not seeing him again.
Stay Open to The Nuances and “Visits”
I asked William to visit me, and indeed he did. One day I heard a classic rock song he played on the guitar. It reminded me of him and then I got the chills. I recognized that as a sign of his presence and asked him to continue coming to me. The chills became so intense that it felt like a hug. Tears streamed down my face. For about 20 seconds I actually experienced his presence outside of myself. It wasn’t an internal feeling. I told him I loved him and always would. He acknowledged me, and I felt the same energy coming from him. It was beautiful.
After a couple months of grief, sorrow, and spending time in the past, I realized it wasn’t healthy for me or for my current relationship and life. It was important for me to move on and be present again. A friend randomly shared a saying with me, “drop the rock,” about a completely different subject. That statement spoke volumes to me. I had to let go of the past which I could never get back and live my life. I began asking for divine guidance for release from the pain. One morning I drew a divination card, and it was a beautiful angelic scene with the words, “Let Go.” I knew that was my sign that I could move on and be happy again.
Since that time, I have felt more at peace. I occasionally receive a visit from William, and it’s a happy feeling, not sorrowful. Importantly, returning to the present has allowed me to find my deep love for my current husband and reconnect with him.
William will always be a part of my life, my heart, my memories. I know I held the same special place for him as well.
Due to the sensitive nature of current living people, I have chosen to write this anonymously. It was the only way I could write open and honestly for you. If I was able to help you through your path of grief, all the better.
wrapping up by Di …
Priscilla’s insight caught my breath: “It was a strange internal barrier that I created, not realizing that was actually keeping us apart.” It took my breath!
Reminded me of what I heard Dr Elisabeth Khubler-Ross say right after my husband died: “Often, the dying person mentally arranges for you not to be there at the moment of the last disconnect from earth.” Everyone in the hall needed to know that, many felt guilt over not being with them when they died.
Between her and Priscilla, it looks like the two are in sacred communion long before, during and after death. Could that extend to before birth as well?
How to “reach beyond the emptiness?”
Maybe in that “toast to now. . .”
I lift my glass to you, Priscilla, for sharing your amazing depth of
feeling and insight, and for not “stuffing” this grief! The human race
is so enriched with you in it. . . not afraid to get wet in the hard feelings.
Who suggested this perfect song? Was it William. . ?
Please let us know your thoughts in the comment area below.
(Your comments will be included in the Ebook Keepsake you will receive after the 12 days are done.) 😜 “wink”
links to previous pages
(in case you missed it):
DAY 1 – Magenta: Waiting in Darkness
DAY 2 – JFP: Living after Heart surgery and 5 strokes
DAY 3 – JANE: Visiting Family – Layers of Love and Grief
DAY 4 – JFS: Loss of Someone to Care For
DAY 5 – SANDY: Allowing my Beloved Partner’s Memory to Live on
DAY 6 – PETE: Deep pain of losing my Beloved Daughter
DAY 7 – VIVIENNE: From the Dark to Light, Damage to Wholeness
DAY 8 – BARCLAY: Shift your pen…Shift your consciousness
DAY 9 – NANCY: My Personal Journey of Grief and Loss