Come, sit and linger as long as you like! I welcome you to my Blog Page.
This is for everyone to drink of ideas and shared feelings and to comment,
to express your own views, for every view is a piece of the Oneness we are, and every reaction is part of the Wholeness of Humanity.
Sing with the song of my own heart:
Let us see not our differences, but celebrate our diversity!
Saturday, 9/24/16: My Paradise was damaged by a bad Fire.
Thursday, 2/2/17: My Paradise is finally restored.
When I saw the last of the work was done, after 4 months….
I breathed a big sigh of relief,
then a gush of gratitude tears!
My builder gave me a hug.
That made it real.
Oh, no. Not a bit. (heh-heh)
To everyone who helped me, please feel my deep gratitude!
You not only restored my home,
you gently placed my home back into my heart.
I hope these photos show you how you brought
your fellow traveler
from slipping into hopelessness
to the INDESCRIBABLE JOY of a recovery
I could never have accomplished
without your love!
From the beginning …………………………………………..to the Good Ending!
WE MADE IT!
I had invited my friend, Jane, to share my home, promising a peaceful place for as long as she wanted. (Yeah, right). She’s been a real trooper through it all.
I especially thank her for being an understanding, loving friend through my every mood, decision, lack of decision, rolling with the highs and lows, bearing up VERY patiently with over 4 months of living, eating, working out of her bed, as I did the same out of my old blue chair, not having a kitchen sink until after Thanksgiving, yet cooking a duck in our new oven on Thanksgiving Day. (yum!)
……………Jane, you are a Goddess!
A Picture’s Worth a Thousand Words
“Before and after” photos…
…seem to walk through the recovery path enough to give you a picture of the good you helped create, whether you helped clear the initial debris the day and week of the fire, gave us lodging or use of your laundry, unloaded materials, donated money, sent up prayers, held good energy in your heart, or spoke a kind word. Even if you took a load of trash, you took some weight off my heart.
I can’t find words for what hope I felt when everyone in the neighborhood saw flames to the sky and rushed over to see how they could help, to love, to care.
I was utterly amazed by the devotion and expertise of those who did the extensive flooring, electrical, gas and building work! In your care, I knew I was safe and secure in the Hands of the Master Builder.
I also deeply appreciate the businesses who treated me so fairly and are devoted to sustainability and products safe for people and planet. I’m so glad my research for non-toxic materials led me to you!
You all lifted me up and held me in a Sacred Communion of strength to carry on and miraculously know each next step to take.
I share these photos with heartfelt gratitude.
Inside: Replace Flooring in Kitchen and Living Room, Fix Kitchen, ceiling, walls, door and window, Replace damaged Cabinets & Appliances, Repair Electrical, Plumbing.
Start Flooring Ahhhh…WOW!
Where to put everything while the work’s being done? (for 4 months!)
Not too bad … yet….
It gets worse….(lol)
But the journey takes a beautiful turn….
Hard to believe the transformation!
Here’s Simon, the cat who almost didn’t escape the fire! He loves sitting on every new spot he sees!
Outside: Repair Roofing, Siding, Replace Shed and Laundry Appliances
TWO SHEDS FOR LAUNDRY, STORAGE AND TOOLS: GONE!
New Shed, then roof and siding.
(I climbed that ladder and helped put
up the first beam!)
My new laundry! Sweet!
.….. It came CLOSE. .HOME AT LAST.
The two sheds were just outside the Kitchen door.
My battery charger in one shed is what started the fire.
The sheds burned to the ground, and enough damage was done in the house that it has taken all this time to recover. It’s a miracle the whole place didn’t go up in flames in minutes!
I couldn’t get insurance on this place after the two hurricanes hit in 2004, so had to use my savings. I’m so grateful to all who helped with donations that made it possible to get it all done. I could not have done it without you.
To all our Fellow Travelers:
God’s Loving Heart is truly who you are. You have touched our hearts with Divine Love and restored not only our home but the Spirit of Joy in its walls.
With every bite we cook, every load of laundry, every move we make in our beautiful Living Space, Jane and I feel the Divine Helping Hand of God’s Family!
Your love is the Breath of God we breath in our new Paradise.
You might not think you did a lot, but you can trust the Infinite Reach
of your Pure Wholeness!
I had a bad fire 3 months ago (September 24, 2016) that destroyed two sheds right next to my house, and did such damage to Kitchen, Living room and house front, that recovery measures are still underway. I thought in early November that all might be finished by Christmas, but not so. The inside is almost done and will be just beautiful, but the remaining outside repairs will likely be done by the end of January or thereabouts. It is clear to me that everyone involved in helping me has been the kind of humans who care and go the extra mile to do things right at reasonable cost… the way we are supposed to be compassionate with each other. I realize that although I’ve had to handle many decisions and purchases beyond what I know how to do, I’ve definitely been LED by LIGHT. No other way to explain one right decision after another, one conquering of an impossibility after another.
My houseguest and I have weathered considerable inconvenience for such a long time that we often have one nerve left and someone steps on it! Moments of fear, worry, exhaustion and frustration erupt. Last night was one of those nights when I could not stuff a worry into submission, but kept awake with an incessant conversation going on, resulting in fear and anxiety. Finally I came awake knowing I must no longer lie there and suffer. I got up and journaled:
“Woke up feeling many concerns, fears, and doubts, and I realize I have slipped into the mode of expecting trouble.
Yet, I know I have felt sure when I said: “My Faith is stronger than anything.” It is! It’s not something I have to do, or have to have. It’s a built-in Gift of Spirit that comes with happening to be a visible “face” of the “invisible Living Light.”
But like everyone, I’m having a moment of thinking I’m separate from that Invisible Living Light.
So, in moments like this, I stop, get up from sitting or lying down and move to a different quiet spot. What follows is what I did at 2:20 am this morning.
I take a few deep breaths and just stop.
I slow down a piece at a time: I allow my body, first, then my heart, then my mind and soul to settle into the stillness.
It is necessary to “brake” the “broken record” of my thoughts this way.
I call on our Brother, Jesus, Divine Human, and Mother Mary. I call on Archangel Michael, Archangel Raphael, Archangel Gabriel, and Archangel Uriel. I call on my Guardian Angel and All Angels. I call on my guides and spirits and my Terry. And I call on You, Light, my Beloved Source,
from Whom I emergedand continue evolving.
You are our Source, from you we all came, individually and collectively, and to you we return.
We are the Whole Circle of You.
I open my heart, mind, body and soul to you, Light. I ask for help from all on whom I have called during this night of fear. I ask you, Light, to accept my gratitude for every second of Life-Breath you have shared, My Life-Breath that you are. And I am grateful for the knowing that You are Bigger than ALL, yet You are who I am, and I am all that you Are.
You are my All in All.
You are the Life living my life, and living through the aftermath of the fire.
You are the same Source that sees everyone in the area as Your visible way to be a Divine, Healing Presence in our world.
It is You, Light, who make us One and therefore make us Love. For You are Infinite, endless Love.
I have no one to fear.
I am feeling better now. I feel your Peace , the Light of You, in fusion with every cell of my body and with my breathing.
I have nothing to fear. In fact, it is necessary at this time for all of us to live as One, for that is what and who we are: One. We are each other, in You, for it is You who are moving on the land, with and within all creation, and You are the Link of all creation to Divinity.
Beloved Light, I am feeling Your calm and I am filled with gratitude as I immerse into sleep and the Peace that You are in this time of darkness and trial. I thank you Light for shining that I may see each next step, for you have done that. And each step has been right and good.
For it is You living this life I live.
And it is You who I am.
So I am the Great Peace and Deliverance expressing as human.
I am no less powerful, wise or loving than All that You are,
for All that You are is Who I am… in person.
I rest now, from my fear and concern, in You, O love, O light.
Thank you for knowing You as my Loving Source, and as Who I am. For knowing that is knowing I am Peace, flowing like a great River.
Each person has a challenge as the old paradigm crumbles and is displaced by new.
I claim that in every bit of my recovery from the fire, I am You, evolving Life, displacing the old paradigm with new.
Look at how exactly the right people have been on hand from the very start of the fire. How You were and are these humans acting as evolved humans, knowing our Oneness with You, O Light, O loving Source who is our Oneness.
I call blessings on all humans now, and on all creation as we evolve and make our way through the ashes of one way of being that has been up-leveled now to the higher Level of human Life… the level of knowing our Oneness and treating each other
with the Love that as You are, we all Are.
You are my Faith, and my Faith is stronger than anything.
As I have shared with others, we can and must let go of our clinging to our old ways of seeing things as they no longer are the Way. You are the only Way, Light of Love and Unity. You are all powerful Creator from whom all emerges and is ever emerging, unfolding and evolving.
You are our All in All.
Thank you! For helping me calm down this night. As this year of 2016 draws to a close, so does my old way of fearing what I do not know, fearing what others might do to me, fearing how others might hurt me. Fearing loss of money and material things. Fearing loss of my home and comfort and peace. You are all Comfort and Peace and You are who is sitting here as Di, as me, typing and calming down.
I stop now, with a grateful, peaceful heart, and stop this typing, stop my thinking and expecting, and rest, now, in You, my Beloved Light, my Source. You are here with me and as me. And I am everywhere, with You and as you. As You love me, I love you and as you love all, I love all. Amen. So it is.”
Next, I went right back to sleep peacefully until morning, and woke without worry.
It took some time to come to a stop, but I know this kind of “practice” has kept me aware that there is nothing impossible, nothing that cannot and will not be resolved by that Life which is my Life, yet is Bigger than all Life.
I am held. I can rest in contentment.
And you can, too.
I’m not at a place I can chat much, yet, but hope to provide more for you who may be looking for a way to see more clearly with God’s eyes. Stay tuned.
What: World Healing Meditation, a prayer by John Randolph Price, Free
Where: Phone in to listen to this prayer being spoken
When: New Year’s Eve morning, Saturday, December 31, 2016, 7 am eastern (join the call early)
Call Info: Dial 1-218-844-1930, then enter Access Code 1274545, followed by the # sign
Patricia Wagner will read this prayer aloud on New Year’s Eve morning, Sat, Dec 31, at 7 am eastern time. Join with her in silence or by praying it aloud. Attached to this email is the World Healing Meditation prayer by John Randolph Price for you to follow along in the way that you choose.
To be in sync with people all over the world, the prayer will be said right at 7 am, so please come to the call early to get settled in. This is a meditative moment to uplift and sustain ourselves in a consciousness of unity and oneness. Consider saying this prayer as a daily practice now and continue it into the new year. After the prayer is spoken, we will remain in silence for a few minutes before the call is unmuted. Please join us.
World Healing Meditation – John Randolph Price
In the beginning,
In the beginning God,
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said Let there be light; and there was light.
Now is the time of the new beginning.
I am a co-creator with God, and it is a new Heaven that comes, As the Good Will of God is expressed on Earth through me.
It is the Kingdom of Light, Love, Peace and Understanding. And I am doing my part to reveal its Reality.
I begin with me.
I am a living Soul and the Spirit of God dwells in me, as me. I and the Father are one, and all that the Father has is mine. In Truth, I am the Christ of God.
What is true of me is true of everyone,
For God is all and all is God.
I see only the Spirit of God in every Soul.
And to every man, woman and child on Earth I say: I love you, for you are me. You are my Holy Self.
I now open my heart,
And let the pure essence of Unconditional Love pour out.
I see it as a Golden Light radiating from the center of my being,
And I feel its Divine Vibration in and through me, above and below me.
I am one with the Light.
I am filled with the Light.
I am illumined by the Light. I am the Light of the world.
With purpose of mind, I send forth the Light.
I let the radiance go before me to join the other Lights.
I know this is happening all over the world at this moment.
I see the merging Lights.
There is now one Light. We are the Light of the world.
The one Light of Love, Peace and Understanding is moving.
It flows across the face of the Earth,
Touching and illuminating every soul in the shadow of the illusion. And where there was darkness, there is now the Light of Reality.
And the Radiance grows, permeating, saturating every form of life. There is only the vibration of one Perfect Life now.
All the kingdoms of the Earth respond, and
The Planet is alive with Light and Love.
There is total Oneness,
And in this Oneness we speak the Word. Let the sense of separation be dissolved. Let mankind be returned to Godkind.
Let peace come forth in every mind.
Let Love flow forth from every heart.
Let forgiveness reign in every soul.
Let understanding be the common bond.
And now from the Light of the world,
The One Presence and Power of the Universe responds. The Activity of God is healing and harmonizing Planet Earth. Omnipotence is made manifest.
I am seeing the salvation of the planet before my very eyes
As all false beliefs and error patterns are dissolved.
The sense of separation is no more; the healing has taken place And the world is restored to sanity.
This is the beginning of Peace on Earth and Good Will toward all, As Love flows forth from every soul,
And all hearts and minds are one in perfect understanding.
WHAT ARE WE IN THE PROCESS OF EXPERIENCING AT THIS TIME?
IS IT WHAT SOME CALL “ASCENSION?”
Check out this Facebook post by Renae Morgan and my comment to her awesome post. If you have the courage, let your evolutionary message be known! The time is now.
Sharing a Facebook post by Renae Morgan Wed Oct 26th 2016
“This is a little out there but I feel I must share it. I have an important message to share with you all. Everyone is being called to step into their ascension. Everyone is being called to honor the purposes they came here to fullfill. Everyone is being called to serve in a much deeper and purposeful way than ever before. Human consciousness is ready to shift. It needs to shift. But we are a bit stuck. Humans have gotten so complacent with things just being the way they are and not changing. Spirit is saying it’s time for things to shift. If you have not already, you will have noticed a yearning to step into a deeper purpose. A calling to stop fooling around and make the long lasting change you have been meaning to make. A need to start making decisions instead of playing on the fence. Spirit isn’t just calling us to ascend into something just for ourselves but for all of humanity. Many of us are here in this time so we can can awaken others to their own purpose. And others are here to guide others on how their purpose is to be used in ways that are in alignment with who the individual is. We are being called to create a deeper, much loving and more peaceful world. We are being called to touch the lives around us. It’s time for us to ascend more than ever because many are awakening after being asleep for so long. And they waking up are lost, they are confused, they are scared, they are afraid. It’s our purpose to help guide them into what will be the greater version of themselves. Gifts are strengthening, and in time maybe not our time but we will come to a point where abilities will transcend everything we think is currently possible. As I was being told we are in a way coming into a period of transition into an Atlantis type community. Where crystals do produce energy, where prophecy is proment, where shamanic journeying is a normal thing, where Astral project is normal. A world where peace is normal, and grass is more common than buildings. This is not the first time I have received such a message but it’s the first time I have been willing to share it. Many lightworkers are being called together so they can help others to come into their gifts. This will mean a shift in how we do business and it’s a good thing. It’s time we start to create communities that thrive on love and spiritual connection. It’s time we work from a place of the highest level is service to each other possible. It’s time we ascend.”
Comment I made to Renae’s post: s
“YES! Ah ho! I thank you, Renae Morgan, for sharing this eloquently and at this critical time. I do see and experience these shifts, and I know we were all born to be here to usher in the “new heaven and new earth” … in our time. And we have all been through trial that has “trued us like gold in the fire.” A necessary “bootcamp” that enables us to see clearly that old paradigm ways of managing life on earth, in this planetary system, have reached the stage of chrysalis, and we are the ones who are conscious of this unprecedented stage of evolution to the next better paradigm level of seeing everything and bringing the new way of being humans who are also divine..(Christ’s one message)… who know we are many faces (perceptions) of the One Shared LIfe … who simply live as One in love, peace, harmony, cooperation, compassion and finding ways to manage life on the planet that work for all, changing into a society not based on currency and the resulting inequities.
We who know this have reached more than a critical mass in numbers, more than enough to help move this current turn of evolution into its next level… we are the cutting edge of a kind of universal human we have never before seen in our history (Carter Phipps, Barbara Marx Hubbard et al). Everything may be feeling more and more strange… and we are finding ourselves doing things we never thought possible for us. And we are welcoming creative technologies for meeting the needs of the earth and it’s inhabitants like never before. We are finding ourselves unable to be “linear”… pulled into the direction of a “knowing” that is not in human language… but the eternal language in which we have always been fluent. It is Creative Life/God/Divine Love/Light that is finally beeing realized by us as who we are… as the life we are living…all knowing, all powerful, all loving Great Peace …our One Shared Life.
Acknowledgements to all Light Workers, to all who realize and are in the great Shift of realizing the truth of who we have always been, are now, and always will be… and Blessings to all as we ascend into our ever-ancient, ever-new Way of Being. Please do not hold back now on declaring your message for it is our message and it is the “First Word” still re-sounding through the ages…we are that “Song” being sung.. an ever-evolving concerto inventing itself as us… we are the Field that connects all beings… so we are finally not seeing anyone or anything as “other.”
We are the human root for Divine Presence to be experienced as each and all of us. When we see ourselves as separate from Divinity, we prevent someone from experiencing the supernatural for which we are the way. Evolving Life/Creator is our Spiritual Root that never sees itself as separate from that which it is always expressing: us! When we see ourselves as separate, we tear ourselves away from our Root and that is living hell.
Peace and Oneness to all creatures great and small. A time of sacred, holy, Communion is what we are now able to appreciate.
Never, ever give up!”
This is the last of the 12 Days of “Di’s Xmas in July 2016.”
And I’m honored to present this in tandem with my good friend, Elaine.
We are speaking together because we both believe the same truth:
That we are God expressing in human form.
How did we find out we both have this knowing?
It happened as a result of caring. We met over cries of outrage, mostly
Elaine’s. I felt the iron grip of her desperation: My fellow traveler was in
distress! It was only when I didn’t walk on by, but stayed and just sat
and listened, that we both realized if we can be heard, we can talk our
way out of the deepest pile of doo-doo life can suck us into!
As the ocean of Grief was emptied out, an Ocean of Peace came
in all by itself and washed us clean and clear to know this truth:
All that God is, is who I am. And who I am is all that God is.
So outside help is not needed. Nothing is impossible for who we are.
from the pen of Elaine. . .
Here is what Elaine wrote in answer to someone who offered her “healing prayer” and fellowship at a church. Elaine had to refuse, and wrote this so the person could understand why.
“Jesus came to demonstrate who we are . Identity is crucial. I am in this like a school……. we have all that we need Now to heal. Learning to live apart from the mind is crucial to mastering healing. What can not be overcome ? It is generally those who have gone the path of suffering and fine tuning who are the healers. I am not in need of prayers actually… what and who do they seek to heal… if not the life within ? We embody that healer…. Seeking outside for assistance only signals one still does not fully understand the Message Jesus taught. Asking for what we have seems elementary….. what seems to be the greater issue is the divine mind ….. Jesus never
saw a storm.. yet the disciples did…. they allowed what they saw with their eyes to register to their minds,,, cultivate fear … thus powerlessness . I am actually OK. I am learning to erase the false with what is Divine Truth. I appreciate your offer [of fellowship at a church]. But my fellowship is within me….. knowing I am never alone… regardless of what the Mind dictates. If I were not walking in divine I would never be able to overcome ALL I HAVE. I do not live like most … and my life is testament to that fact. Learning to focus on the truth rather than the outward is power. It is what has carried me thus far …
through all the loss ,,,,,, 🙂 I am a warrior.. ”
Elaine refuses to turn a blind eye to what’s unholy in our world. Her eyes
are opened when she has supernatural experiences in the night when she cannot sleep. Her words: “walking in divine” have inspired me to share the truth as it comes to me.
from the pen of Di. . .
I used “Depth Journaling” I learned from my friend Barclay (Day 8) to get
“God answers” for how to get this page done today, the way it should be.
Here’s my journal from this morning, showing the question I asked, using
my dominant hand. See how my non-dominant hand’s answer was about “Who I Am.” It took what’s happening to an Eternal level that works.
See? This is what knocks my socks off! I’ve been going outside every day,
praying with my arms stretched upward with longing: “I give myself to be a
pure, clear channel for Divine Love to heal broken hearts.” Saying that to
my “Beloved Creator.” But look how it has come back here, my “Beloved”
addressing me as “My Heart,” with this new twist on the answer:
“You are my Heart Loving. You are the difference I am seeing. And being.”
“I love you for being My pure, clear channel for Divine Love to heal the
separated pieces of my Broken Heart, by seeing Me Whole. You have
seen all whole, so it is.”
I will stop here and just let you put that in your pipe and smoke it. This is the stuff that defies gravity.
wrapping up by Di …
Elaine and I have both had a ton of grief, sorrow, sickness, brutality,
you name it. Because we know we are the Divine in form, none of it
can overcome us.
You have developed an awesome common thread in all the Xmas in July Days. Each writer has found a way up “the climb” that helps. Each of you
recognized what was truly helpful for YOU.
That’s why we feel safe with you. It’s vital to come to the part of the Dance with Grief where you know you can take the lead. Alone. With confidence. We feel alone in grief, even in a crowd, even with sincere offers of help. But we need to know we can go on alone and somehow be OK, even if nothing gets any better.
The message seems clear: We are all the One Heart, broken into what
we see as separate pieces, and We are healing this Heart by choosing to see ourselves Whole. Knowing we are the One Heart that has seen us through it all, it is impossible for us to be alone.
invitation to chime in…
How exciting it’s been to see each others’ comments through these days.
Please tell us what came up in that pipe you smoked around the thoughts
from Elaine and me. The thoughts here are not easy to put into words…
but your love and caring speak louder than any words.
YOUR FREE GIFT:
Watch tomorrow’s email for what we need from you for the creation of your pages in the Ebook Keepsake, which we hope to have done in about a week.
All will receive a free pdf copy you can share as much as you like. Everyone’s comments will appear on the corresponding pages to this event.
And you will have handy access to the links to all these pages.
It will be something you can be proud of… your own hearts open in trust and love.
Please know how much you are loved and appreciated!
What an eloquent, soul-moving account Heidi gives us, of the Devastation of Divorce, the death, and then. . . then the incoming peaceful wave that follows, rising again to “seek the sweetness of life, in its calm and crazy moments.”
It’s an honor to present your message, Heidi, “no holds barred.” Like any death, you can’t “pretty up” divorce. You descend into hell with it. You feel the ripping and tearing inside and out. Then Life picks itself up and takes the first tentative step into your new country of clean, clarity, so you can take a breath. Your dream is still alive, washed of its endless gasping, free now.
Thank you for taking us down with you, and then bringing us gloriously back up to see “the sunlight glowing on the hillside at dusk.” It may be the dusk of your marriage and the hopes you attached to it. But, look! A new day has begun. And you have come a long, long way! All is not lost. Including the very heart of your dream.
We are open hearts for you, Heidi, ready to receive your words with attentiveness to your deep pain, and to be rocks and stumps and tree limbs for you to grab hold of as you steady yourself, ready to take the next step and the next. With gratitude, we have come to see and hear you, to give you an extended family and a home in our hearts.
Heidi’s Sandcastle – washed away.
“Experiencing my marriage dissolving this past year has been like desperately trying to keep my sand castle from washing away into the ocean. When it was clearly gone, and I was left standing there gripping the fistfuls of sand as it crumbled through my fingers, the only thing left to do was scream and lean into the pain of it all.
The crap thing about divorce is that it isn’t a single moment of death. As my best friend texted me in the midst of the worst of it, ‘It’s death by a thousand stupid cuts and then we are supposed to carry on and support our families on top of it while bleeding endlessly from our heart.’
And then some moments of reprieve. And…kindness? And then you start to wonder…reconciliation? And you put just a bit of the sand on the castle. And wait. And hope.
And then the wave heartlessly crashes in and annihilates you again.
Over. And over. Again.
Until you are so beaten you don’t even want to live in a fucking sand castle anymore. And you don’t even like the beach.
And eventually you just let the waves pull you in. And you sort of drown, but don’t care. And then remember the children and MUST care.
And you keep your head above water somehow. Occasional life preservers are tossed your way. Thank God.
And the rest of the world carries on with ridiculously normal tasks, like laughing, buying groceries, kissing their loved ones’ cheeks. It’s enough to induce vomiting.
And meanwhile you live in a fog of sorts. A muted, muffled fog. Like the world is existing on some floor upstairs and you are stuck in the basement with the mold.
The lessons, oh, the lessons are countless and precious.
Resilience. Surrender. Courage. And ultimately a softness with oneself.
These are things I will proudly carry to my grave. Hopefully a good many years in the future. Because I am choosing to love and honor my own tender heart now. And still seek the sweetness of life, in it’s calm and crazy moments. My daughters and their unconditional love for me. And for their father. Their silly farts that induce fits of giggling. The way the sunlight glows on the hillside at dusk. It’s enough to rip your heart into a million pieces for the beauty and pain of it all. This life is precious. The pain is another way of saying ‘Thank you!!!’ to Spirit for all that was gifted, and now taken away.
Martín Prechtel’s recent book, “The Smell of Rain on Dust,” describes Heidi in the introduction:
“..there are noble and profound human beings
whose radiance and value are unknown
even to their closest neighbors.
It takes courage to be what the world needs,
but the world never seems to change when you are alone.”
But your collective humanity is here, Heidi, a net to catch you and care. You must know how we appreciate your showing us your heart’s condition. Both your pain and your courage stir us to tears and awe. Thank you for your Life’s work of being what our world needs. Your dream is ours, and it is
Heidi interviewed Martin Prechtel and has given this link to one of his
deep and profound books, “The Smell of Rain on Dust: Grief and Praise.”
Priscilla opened my eyes and heart to the unique feelings of Grieving after the death of her first Love, a special person she hadn’t seen in many years.
She shines a soft light on the innocent and deep connection of “first love.”
Her sharing showcases the beautiful joy of fearless immersion in soul comradeship before it came to the split.
I didn’t think about the pensiveness that can enshroud these memories with the sadness of an “unfinished symphony;” How there’s a single dissonant chord pushing to mix the whole song into a satisfying resolution.
But now, this song is out of time, and there can be no resolution between the two once-ecstatic lovers. Or can there?
The resulting surreal mist is the signature of Grief. But we have grown up conditioned to blow off that mist, diminishing the pain, suggesting its insignificance.
It’s an honor to place this offering within the heart of this loving community, to give Priscilla a safe place to speak without fear of belittling judgment.
Let’s take in her feelings with recognition of a fellow traveler who has a delicate seed to plant softly in a world that can be hard soil.
How to cope with the death of an Ex, even if you’re re-married.
“A Toast to Innocence” by Priscilla
“It’s a question I’ve struggled with over the last 5 weeks, ever since I found out that my first boyfriend, my first true love died. William’s passing hit me much harder than I ever thought it would. After all, we hadn’t been together for about 30 years. We both lived full lives since our relationship. He married a woman not long after our break-up and had three children together. I had a son a couple years after our breakup, since married, and have lived a lot of life in between.
So, why was his death hitting me so hard?
He was my first true love.
As I began to approach 50, for some reason, William kept popping into my mind. I was thinking of him a lot, remembering how in love we were, how many wonderful times we experienced together. I remember a time when we were driving at night in a snow storm on a backwoods, windy road. It was quite scary, actually. We pulled over, and a song we both loved came on the stereo: Auld Lang Syne by Dan Fogelberg. William commented that would be us someday in the future. We would run into each other and have a conversation over some beers about who we ended up marrying, our kids, and what our life was like. At the time, I was a bit bothered by it because we were still together, and there was no discussion about splitting up. After all, we were to be married, at least in my mind.
Now, as I approached 50 and we both married other people, I was craving that conversation.
It was time.
Being happily married, I didn’t push too hard to track him down, but I did reach out to mutual friends, asking how he and his wife were doing. The primary response was “things aren’t good.” People I reached out to kept me at an arm’s length as his current wife was trying to keep the marriage together. I just heard little snippets of what his life was like. In the midst of sleuthing, I discovered he had lost his home (the one we built together) to foreclosure. I knew that was hard for him after 30+ years of living there and raising a family. I also discovered his alcoholism took a turn for the worst. His wife ended up divorcing him since he wouldn’t stop drinking. I continued reaching out to others in a cautious nonchalant manner. When really deep inside I was desperate to talk to him. They said they didn’t know how to get hold of him. I couldn’t shake him out of my head. It became almost an obsession.
He wouldn’t leave my mind.
I prayed that he would get in touch with me or that we would cross paths out and about in the world.
Days before his passing, My Mom said I was thinking of him for a reason and that I should just drive up to his neck of the woods and search the bars. I wanted to, but I was also wanting to stay more discreet so as not to ruffle any feathers with my current husband, and William’s now ex wife. It was a strange internal barrier that I created, not realizing that was actually keeping us apart.
Within days, I received a private message from his brother to call him. I was excited that he finally responded to my requests about William, but within the first couple of sentences, he informed methey had found William’s body. Those words will permanently resound in my head. I sobbed,“oh god no, no, no, noooooo!”
I would never have that promised conversation.
I went into that strange place of grief and shock where I couldn’t focus, the world seemed a mile away, and I would occasionally come to consciousness not knowing where I was or what I was doing .
I simply couldn’t believe it.
I was numb.
I was not only hoping for that conversation, but maybe if things worked out in the future, we could have an incredible reunion story later in life.
I spent the first 24 hours absolutely in shock, with many tears. I actually admitted to my husband that William was the love of my life as my first love. Fortunately, my husband, who has been married 3 other times, understood my grief. He has been wonderfully supportive.
It’s a Lonely Experience
Ultimately, the grief I was experiencing was lonely. It was so long since
we had been together, or seen each other. The support naturally went to
his ex wife (they were only divorced a couple months before he died), his daughters, and family. I had a yearning to attend his funeral, but had another obligation and I could not go. It seemed a cruel trick from the universe.
Ask for Signs
I immediately asked for signs from William’s spirit. I didn’t know how to go on without the answers I was seeking, such as had he thought about me over the last couple of years while I was intensely thinking of him? Did we have a connection? Why did he not marry me? How come he was allowing his addiction to keep him from his family? What special memories does he have of our relationship? So many questions unanswered. We obviously had unfinished business/karma, and I was the only one left to wrap it up.
It stirred up my grief of the loss of our relationship many years ago. I felt like I lost him all over again, except this time it was forever. I know I’ll see him again when I cross over, but I really have no idea what that will be like. For now, I have to settle on never, ever seeing him in physical form – ever again.
Settle on living with a missing piece of yourself
Since William’s passing, I have come to realize he was the love of my life. We were soul-mates, I do believe that wholeheartedly. I can see that we both have two soul-mates, each other, and our spouses. A little piece of my heart is broken, and a piece of it is missing with William. I know time heals, but our relationship was so special, I don’t believe I will ever fully get over not seeing him again.
Stay Open to The Nuances and “Visits”
I asked William to visit me, and indeed he did. One day I heard a classic rock song he played on the guitar. It reminded me of him and then I got the chills. I recognized that as a sign of his presence and asked him to continue coming to me. The chills became so intense that it felt like a hug. Tears streamed down my face. For about 20 seconds I actually experienced his presence outside of myself. It wasn’t an internal feeling. I told him I loved him and always would. He acknowledged me, and I felt the same energy coming from him. It was beautiful.
After a couple months of grief, sorrow, and spending time in the past, I realized it wasn’t healthy for me or for my current relationship and life. It was important for me to move on and be present again. A friend randomly shared a saying with me, “drop the rock,” about a completely different subject. That statement spoke volumes to me. I had to let go of the past which I could never get back and live my life. I began asking for divine guidance for release from the pain. One morning I drew a divination card, and it was a beautiful angelic scene with the words, “Let Go.” I knew that was my sign that I could move on and be happy again.
Since that time, I have felt more at peace. I occasionally receive a visit from William, and it’s a happy feeling, not sorrowful. Importantly, returning to the present has allowed me to find my deep love for my current husband and reconnect with him.
William will always be a part of my life, my heart, my memories. I know I held the same special place for him as well.
Due to the sensitive nature of current living people, I have chosen to write this anonymously. It was the only way I could write open and honestly for you. If I was able to help you through your path of grief, all the better.
wrapping up by Di …
Priscilla’s insight caught my breath: “It was a strange internal barrier that I created, not realizing that was actually keeping us apart.”It took my breath! Reminded me of what I heard Dr Elisabeth Khubler-Ross say right after my husband died: “Often, the dying person mentally arranges for you not to be there at the moment of the last disconnect from earth.” Everyone in the hall needed to know that, many felt guilt over not being with them when they died.
Between her and Priscilla, it looks like the two are in sacred communion long before, during and after death. Could that extend to before birth as well?
How to “reach beyond the emptiness?”
Maybe in that “toast to now. . .”
I lift my glass to you, Priscilla, for sharing your amazing depth of
feeling and insight, and for not “stuffing” this grief! The human race
is so enriched with you in it. . . not afraid to get wet in the hard feelings.
Who suggested this perfect song? Was it William. . ?
invitation to chime in…
Wow. Your comments have been so “in sync” all these Days!
What will emerge from this?
Have you such a past experience? Or know someone?
Do you think it’s OK to blow off this grief and just “move on?”
Please let us know your thoughts in the comment area below.
(Your comments will be included in the Ebook Keepsake you will receive after the 12 days are done.) 😜 “wink”
When my first GOOD therapist took a little time to let me know he had two years of therapy before he felt ready to go into practice, I felt confident to speak up because I knew he had walked in my shoes and COULD know how desperate I felt.
Nancy is that kind of therapist, she’s been there, and she’s done her inner work, so her clients receive highly effective therapy from a loving, compassionate heart who truly relates to what they feel.
I’m so proud and humbled to share her offering to you, our loving community of non-judgmental, caring beings who know we are One. I offer Nancy a safe place to be seen, heard and loved by that One Love seeing her through our eyes, hearing her with our ears, and feeling compassion for her with each caring heart.
We may be small but we have a Magnificence as your audience, Nancy.
We are ready to be touched by your story, realizing that in your profession, you probably have few, if any, humans who see your needs without judgment and reach out a hand to you, without expecting a healing touch in return.
This is your page, Nancy. We are so happy to be here with you!
My Personal Journey of Grief and Loss
“We come into the world as innocent beings with hearts filled with joy and wonder. I began to feel a disconnect very early in my childhood, before the age of 1. My wonder and joy began to diminish which restricted me from freedom to express. It’s crazy to feel as a little being a restriction to emerge into the world feeling safe and protected. It was fear that I felt but under the fear was grief that I was not bonding with my father and my mother did not feel the freedom to express herself.
I found a way to overcome some of the grief which was to bond with my brother. I also had a nanny which helped me feel love and unconditional positive regard. I think a power from above knew to help me feel secure and safe. Those relationships helped me develop a sense of belonging.
An entire shaping of my development was to overcome the pain and grief I felt from my father. My life has had many hardships but also numerous highlights. When I become overwhelmed, I relive that grief of the sad little girl that feels lost and helpless. I do have a skill set of pulling myself out of the darkness of grief and I spend less time in grief.
My journey has led me to self empowerment. I have leaned and continue to learn that I have everything I need to manifest goodness, wholeness, and strength. When I fall down I brush myself off quicker but at times it is hard because I manage my life without a husband, partner, and I am a single parent.
I don’t have family support, those relationships are broken. I do have support from a family of choice which inspires me to make healthy choices about my life. I do believe in a power greater than myself and I live by a spiritual foundation.
When I feel best is when I believe love conquers all. My heart is open and I dance through life feeling grateful and blessed.
We are not alone, our stories are what shaped us. I can help others because I have been there and I practice recovery on a daily basis.
You can do it just like I have.”
Nancy’s words keep ringing: “We come into the world as
innocent beings with hearts filled with joy and wonder.”
This song is about you, Nancy, and each of us.
wrapping up by Di …
I wonder if Nancy felt like she was living under the same roof with her father, but it was like he was not present to her. As if she didn’t exist.
That could result in confusion about identity. . .a feeling of “floating, untethered.” A primal tentative feeling for a child to bring into adulthood.”
Processing “identity grief” helped her “land” firmly on the solid ground of her own Joy of Being… the delight of knowing “the Gift she is!”
I think if I had grief again, I’d go to Nancy for therapy. Because all grief includes identity confusion. She’d be able to help me find myself!
invitation to chime in…
Do you have a family member you feel no bond with?
What’s that like for you?
Does it seem like we are helping each other in the pages of this event?
Please let us know your thoughts in the comment area below.
(Your comments will be included in the Ebook Keepsake you will receive after the 12 days are done.) 😜 “wink”