Di’s Xmas in July 2016: Day 7

XmasinJulyTestintro by Di…

What a Christmas Gift we have here in the form of Vivienne’s deeply personal, authentic writing, offered with Giant Courage!

How important is it to find out that you have grief that is buried,
and to work through it?
Vivienne knows and tells us:
it can be a matter of life and death.

The messages we’ve been seeing on these pages are such blessings
from broken hearts who know not to diminish such pain. You are safe
here, Vivi, to be seen and heard by your fellow travelers who will
surround you with love and healing, too.

With incredible openness, you dare to hold your terrified heart up to
us to be seen for what it has endured and survived.

With a grateful heart, I am proud to entrust your humble, honest offering
to the sensitivity of our caring, insightful community who, I’m sure, will
caress it as a treasure better than the gold of the Magi.

 

Vivienne’s Gift of Christmas in July

“You know. I know you know. That deep darkness where you hear nothing and see nothing. That hole you want to stay in and just die, disappear into the nothingness. Nobody will miss you anyway. Nobody loves you really.
Oh, they say the words but do they really????

‘But how can you leave me?’ my mother cried.  I’m sure you have heard that before? ‘What about me, your husband, your mother, your family, etc. etc. etc?’  Unless you have been here in the darkness you will never get it.  Never.

I was born into a broken family, unexpected and definitely unwanted.  In the way.  I felt it in the womb already. Abused emotionally, physically and mentally by my mother and sexually by my father. How then am I supposed to be “NORMAL”??? How do I fit in and excel and flourish and thrive when my own mother does not love me? I thought I was adopted. I said how can anybody else love me if my own mother does not love me? I had to be the mother and be sure never to incite her unnecessarily. ? I learnt young to fit in and behave and conform. It was the only way I could pretend I belonged. I grew up in friends’ houses with their families, always on the outside looking in but so desperately wanting to be a part of a family. Belong in a family.

My mother competed with me. Compared weight and sizes and wanted to be me and have my life and my boyfriends. I never heard:  “I am so proud of you Vivienne, I love you Vivienne, You are beautiful Vivienne.”

I was never engulfed in a hug to feel comforted and loved. I longed for that my whole life and looked for it in all the wrong places with all the wrong men.

Promiscuous, trading on my blonde hair and figure and face and sexuality. Thinking that sex equals love but it always left me so empty and so alone.

I have experienced much grief in my life. More than one person should ever have to endure.

I always felt odd. I never quite fitted in. Conversations that family, friends and people had sounded inane and mundane to me. I was younger than 6 but I felt so old.

I learnt as time passed. I had to learn. I learnt to fit in, to adapt and conform. I became a chameleon ever changing to the environment around me.

There was a TV series called ‘The Pretender.’  He could be anyone or anything. I felt like that for most of my life. I have an amazing memory.  I read about things or watch a program and I recall details I need about medicine or car racing or animals or teaching. I use that to adapt and fit in.

I have my whole life had this amazing fantasy world and imagination. I never get bored. I regularly lose myself in the pages of a book. I escape this cruel unfair ugly world.

Tomorrow when the sun rises I must put on my mask and face the world.
My mother should not have had children. My brother she held over the balcony of our flat on the 16th floor. She held him by his ankles and told him, ‘If you don’t stop being naughty I will let you go.’

She beat us with a wooden coathanger.  I got hit more because I refused to cry. Red, blue and purple welts raised all over my body but I would not cry.
My stepdad wanted to buy me my own horse. My whole life I wanted my own horse and my own child. I never got either.

I was about 9 when my Dad said he would buy me a horse. My mother woke me up at around 3am, digging her finger in my shoulder so that she left bruises. She told me I will never get a horse. She needed things and she was going on holiday. I never got my horse.

I remember one day when my real Dad fetched me to visit
and I was in the bath and he came in.

I blocked the rest out.

When I was 10/11 he fetched me every 2nd Saturday, I used to go watch soccer with him. He dropped me off and kissed me like I was his girlfriend.

I never told anyone.  Who could I tell?   Who would believe me?

Men have consistently liked me, chased me, all the time I had such a low self esteem but the masks and the Pretender played the game of life well.

3 marriages. Affairs. All I have ever wanted is to come first in someone’s life. Really truly come first!!!! I imagine that it must be a wonderful feeling, a beautiful experience.

2 divorces.

Attempted suicide.
Landed in hospital where the Dr told my ex-husband that
what I took would have been fatal.
I was not playing.

2 miscarriages. My whole life I wanted my own child. I wanted to feel that unconditional love that a mother has for her child. Nobody has been able to explain that feeling to me. It’s impossible to verbalise, it has to be felt.

This all caused me to be and play the victim for so long it was actually tiresome. Tiresome for me and others. I was in the dark, buried underneath all of my shit but I had this itch, this yearning to see the light and to be in the light. How beautiful and restorative it is to be in the light.

It’s taken so long, many years to finally come out into the light.

I was so bereft, so lost for so long, feeling unloved and unwanted.

I survived all that but last year I fell into that dark pit again and googled
the best way to take an overdose to ensure success. Amazingly Google,
as usual, is very informative and factual.

I can only thank God and the wonderful people He put in my life. I “found” Diane Lemon on FB and her words and her site resonated so strongly with me that I was impelled to ask her to join. Her question about my loss and grief and then her reply to what I wrote opened the door and got me started on the final, true and real path of healing.

If we took videos of my counseling with her in December last year and then now, you would think it’s 2 different people. I’ve been for counseling before and got help but I never understood that my grief had been buried and I so desperately needed to work through my grief.

At one stage we didn’t speak for 7 weeks after I shared some scary stuff. Thunderstorms and lightning storms so hectic that we had no connectivity. When we spoke again we realised that I was so scared of sharing anymore that I had actually manifested them so as to not have to speak. What an enormous breakthrough. What a revelation.

I’m so grateful for being saved. I’m grateful for all my trials. This has all been part of my walk and learnings that I can help others. What a privilege that is to help. To let God’s light shine through me and light the way for someone else.

To have found Joy Support and Di is the biggest miracle for me that I have experienced in my life so far.

I truly, honestly believe that I would not be alive today to share without the kindness and support and guidance and unconditional love.

I have always been ridiculed for my sensitivity, my entire life I have been told, ‘oh you are too sensitive, you are so sensitive.’  Well, I am an EMPATH,  I am supposed to be sensitive. It has been liberating for me to embrace that and to be able to say FUCK YOU, I am not too sensitive.

I believe that I have found my Tribe. This growing group of enlightened beings, starting to live our purpose and show love and implement change.

Sweeping your pain and your grief under the carpet and putting on a brave face and plastering a big smile on your face does not help you. It does not serve you.

It comes back to bite you in the ass. Big time.

My saving grace is truly Di Lemon. My angel on earth and grief counselor par excellence.

 

Thank you Thank you Thank you for my life and my future.

So happy to have you in it.

Thank you GOD!!!!
……………………………………………………………………………..~ Vivienne

musings. . .

Pink tells what “Beam Me Up” means in the 30 second video below.  She also had 2 miscarriages.

 

wrapping up by Di …

Dear, Brave Vivienne! 

I know you wanted to tell all this for a long time.

Thank you for “Daring Greatly.”   May you feel the blessing of our love.

You have done some universal good today.  Let’s sum it up.

Two threads are interlacing here:

1. The raw outcry of desperate childhood grief,
trapped, unheard, ignored and glossed over.

2. Serious current grief heightened by the continued
screaming and old protective behavior patterns.

My gratitude to you, Vivienne, for underscoring how the abused child’s urgency to please can continue as a lifelong pattern of inauthentic protective behavior that becomes like a sealed coffin in which one feels buried alive.
Many have experienced the resulting bleakness of feeling no purpose in life and no chance of escape from the pain.

How grateful I am that you survived your suicide efforts and reached out
beyond the iron grip of that trap.

I’m struck with your rising from the terrifying quicksand of childhood grief to be able to start processing your adult grief:

“I lost my babies through miscarriage twice but I was further than 12 weeks both times. I still think of them and how old they would be now.
There are no words to say to a parent who has lost a child.

Could it be that your two miscarried babies are “beaming you up”  into
the vision of truth that sets free the Infinite Love you are here to birth?

 

invitation to chime in…

What about you, dear Fellow Travelers?  Have you lived a lifetime with underlying unheard pain?  Is it glossed over?

How is your raw, human outcry a self-imposed coffin? 

Can you imagine your deep-rooted pain becoming the seed broken open to sprout your newly opening and unfolding Joy of Being?  

Who is “beaming you up?”

Please let us know your thoughts in the comment area below.

(Your comments will be included in the Ebook Keepsake you will receive after the 12 days are done.) 😜 “wink”

 

links to previous pages
(in case you missed it). . .

DAY 1 – Magenta: Waiting in Darkness
http://bloominganewyou.com/dis-xmas-in-july-2016-day-1/

DAY 2 – JFP: Living after Heart surgery and 5 strokes
http://bloominganewyou.com/dis-xmas-in-july-2016-day-2/

DAY 3 – JANE: Visiting Family – Layers of Love and Grief
http://bloominganewyou.com/dis-xmas-in-july-2016-day-3/

DAY 4 – JFS: Loss of Someone to Care For
http://bloominganewyou.com/dis-xmas-in-july-2016-day-4/

DAY 5 – SANDY: Allowing my Beloved Partner’s Memory to Live on
http://bloominganewyou.com/dis-xmas-in-july-2016-day-5/

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Comments

Di’s Xmas in July 2016: Day 7 — 17 Comments

  1. My sincerest THANKS to all of you. I am humbled by your messages. I am touched by your compassion and caring. I am so very blessed to be here.
    Thank you SO much.
    ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

  2. I’m reading your story again Vivienne, knowing it’s only partial – there is much much more.
    I’m thinking how so much goes back to that poor little girl. And i just know how important it is for you to finally become the beautiful unconditiinally loving Mother to yourself that you never had before, and to come first in your OWN life – “really truly come first”. I get this because I’m having to do it too, and perhaps ALL sensitive empaths reach a stage of having to finally mother themselves properly to heal that old grief forever. DI starts us off by showing us the unconditional love we must adopt towards ourselves. I have a little girl photo now and I talk to her and carry her – whatever she tells me she needs. It seems really inevitable to me that you would become promiscuous and have difficult relationships after such abuse – it’s the pattern of loving you were taught! I know you are now on the great path of learning to love yourself well so you have love to give others and can attract the kind of relationships you deserve. And I see such an expert developing! What do they say? Our most difficult lesson turns into our greatest purpose. Go well Vivienne! Please know you have a very great gift to give the world and we must not lose you! Your jigsaw piece can’t be filled by anyone else. Big loving hugs & bravos!

    • Thank you Magenta. You are so intuitive. I am honoured to have met you here. You feel like another part of my soul.
      Bless you. With much love x

    • Such wise words Magenta.wow.
      I’m really working towards what you said, coming first in my own life.
      Thank you for taking time out to write to me. Thank you x
      Love love love x

  3. Dear,Dear,incredible woman-Vivienne!I have sat this day, unable to find the words, that could possibly come close to what I feel in witnessing your ‘truth’. I too, am an empath. So, I sit here, late at night, resonating with your continuous assaults and horrors. There are components in the pieces of your courageous ‘tell’ that speak to my own years of physical,sexual,emotional,intellectual and spiritual abuse. I am stunned by your perseverance,brilliant survival tools, and standing, still ‘alive and kicking’!Choosing to love, to be of help….to receive the love and help from Di and from all of us here; you are a walking miracle sweetie!

    • Oh Jane. You know then. You know.
      I am so sorry for your abuse.I only know now for sure that we are meant to go through it all and learn and grow to enable us to help others. We can see them when others can’t. You know that it so precious, to be seen and heard.
      Sending love and hugs
      Vivienne

  4. My Dear Vivienne I’m awed at the determination and cold courage you exhibited while laying it on the line after line.God’s light did lead you to Di’s “Joy Support” and unconditional Love. God Bless you and my the Light continue to shine upon you. Thank you for sharing.

    • Thank you and bless YOU JFS. We are all so connected. I truly believe we have all been able to help one another.
      Thanks to Di for doing this and allowing us to be a part.

      • I feel just humbled, in tears of awe and infinite gratitude for you, Vivi, and for all who are participating, all who are speaking up, and all who are seeing/hearing as well. We are all unboundaried Goodness… happening … seeing with our eyes, being the change all humanity needs. The One Energy we are goes far! Thank you for making the effort to Trust!

  5. Vivienne I am so proud of you. You have taken a huge step. You are an amazing Lady. To come forward and speak so beautifully. You are loved. You have taken a big step forward for all women that have walked your road. It sounds like you have found the perfect person in Di. You have made huge strides.
    Sending you big hugs and love.
    Thank you
    love
    Sandy

    • Thank you Sandy.
      If it helps even 1 person and makes a difference then it’s worth it.
      I never thought I could write it and it took a few attempts 😆
      There is so much more to share about my Dad’s suicide and my Dad (stepdad) dying of cancer and finding my Mom dead in her flat last year July.
      God obviously has a plan though right?
      With love and thanks
      Vivienne

  6. Oh gosh I can’t write yet, this just brings me to tears and I want to hold you and that dear little girl. I will write later when i sit with this some more. I am holding space for your journey through this big grief Vivienne. I am sending love around the world, and hugs and huge respect. I actually send it to everyone brave enough to be here together. Xxx

    • Thanks to you, Magenta, for your immediate show of caring. Your love and hugs are needed here. The arms of my heart also go out to you, Vivienne! Know you are held. Know you are safe.

      • Di. You get me. You get it. Thank you for your beautiful perfect summing up and editing. Again you touched on points that resonated so strongly with me that I hadn’t thought of. You just get it. YOU KNOW.
        I love you my Di.

        • As I truly love you, Vivi. I’m so very proud of you for your courage today. Look at how your vulnerability touched so many hearts! You did GOOD!

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