I met a young farm boy (JFS) now grown into an 81 year old man of deep, earth-wisdom. After 33 years of marriage to the love of his life, 10 of which were caregiving for her in her struggle with ever more devastating illness, his path crossed mine in his quest for healing from the deep pain of losing her.
Only the Lonely widower can understand how quickly and innocently one can take a wrong turn… one that has devastating results. As if just missing your deceased wife isn’t enough to bear. Men and women both, here’s his story: This could be you…
the loss of someone to care for…
“My soulmate transcended life leaving me without a navigator, quality control or companionship. I was lost, adrift in a sea of grief.
I literally ran for cover at a local church, where God and the choir accepted me with open arms. I had found new friends and a brighter outlook on my life.
One Sunday, with service nearing the end and with one more song to sing, I looked around the group that I can call family, observing them smiling as our eyes met, until I met dark eyes and no smile.
What I saw crushed my being, there was nothing to exhale.
I saw a lonely, pleading face with eyes that, to me, said:
“Please Help Meeeee.”
When the service ended, I went to talk with her and, upon peering into those dark eyes, was instantly communicating on a level seldom ever achieved.
We both became emotional and with tears aglow, we embraced heartedly and exchanged short stories, then went to a local and had coffee and openly shared our grief.
It was late, so we had to part company, knowing full well we could continue sharing soon.
We shared time often and had a ball. She was the “wind beneath my wings,” buoying me out of my grief so high that I made the mistake of falling in love. Wow! Such an intense feeling!
It came time for this little “Snow Bird” to fly north, so with the parting words, “I’ll miss you,” I added: “I’ll keep you in my heart, till I can hold you in my arms.” My little snowbird departed.
O lonesome me.
Days, weeks passed, deep friendships helped in my despair, leveling my thought, letting them gel, allowing me to see end process.
I saw red flags that I had deliberately ignored, unfurling before my now open eyes.
Not only can I see, but I can categorize each one and extract the reason behind it being there.
Hallelujah, I see, I hear, and I know that this person that I feel so deeply about was but a cover I unwittingly fashioned for my caregiving grief, and that my feelings would not be reciprocated.
These feelings I had, and to some degree still have, are the sole product of my grief, loneliness and the loss of someone to care for.
That is my story and I’m embarking upon a life comforted by my soulmate telling me: “I’m always with you every step of the way, making footprints in the sand.”
If God were separate, there would be 3 of us making footprints in the sand.”
wrapping up by Di…
JFS told me about an experience he had at age 5. Wandering in the woods by his farm in upstate New York, he suddenly looked up and saw the amazing Aurora Borealis filling the sky and he just fell backwards and laid on his little back in the snow, mesmerized with the kaleidescope of moving colors above his whole world. He told me through tears, “I was that! I wasn’t even here. I was up there!” 76 years later, he still has that feeling, of “lightness”… of weightlessness. He says: “There was nothing to me… I was there! I was that! I can still get that feeling.”
A short time ago, when his tears came, he was allowing them to flow, without resistance, and suddenly, he became that “Aurora” again, and this time, his soulmate was “there” with him! He knew it! “She’s with me!”
Interesting that he had never told her about his 5-year-old Aurora night. He said this time, he allowed her to share the experience that had been his alone. And after that, “everything has changed!”
The next day, he told me: “When I got home, I talked with my departed Love, and, by damn, if her eyes didn’t follow me from her photo as I paced from one side of the room to the other! And I realized that now, she and God are the same Being… so she CAN be with me!”
How can there be any doubt that her eyes were following him across the room?
invitation to chime in…
Can you relate? Have you had any signs? That you know are real? This widower says: “I can’t be the only one chosen to have these kinds of signs!”
Please let us know your thoughts in the comment area below.
(Your comments will be included in the Ebook Keepsake you will receive after the 12 days are done.) 😜 “wink”“
links to previous Days
(in case you missed it)
DAY 1 – Magenta: Waiting in Darkness
DAY 2 – JFP: Living after Heart surgery and 5 strokes
DAY 3 – JANE: Visiting Family – Layers of Love and Grief