Di’s Xmas in July 2016: Day 1

XmasinJulyTestintro by Di:

I know Magenta well: one of my dearest, deepest friends, a real
soul-sister. She’s daring greatly to speak up today, because her story,
her feelings, her decisions are the kind people love to judge and condemn. But I know her ability to stay in a relationship, valuing each person deeply, loving them with her whole heart, seeing the genuine good even when receiving hurt and not feeling seen, heard or understood herself.

I know she explored every avenue before she
came to see
it’s time to”fold ’em.”

I’m happy to publish her in this platform,
because this is the place you can
boldly be seen and heard without judgement, no matter what.
This is the website filled with the Energy of Unconditional Love,
seeing Creative Wisdom and solutions in each other’s diversity,
not nailing them for their differences.

In history, the most diverse in action and message were often those who heralded much needed change in how we humans treat each other. I see Magenta as the cutting edge of the kind of evolved, universal human we
are only beginning to see.  Enjoy the following reflections from her depths.

 

.“Waiting in the Dark”
by Magenta

“Alone. Lost. Tired all the time. Unable to focus. Uncertain of anything but
a tiny core of light, inside. Unsure where her money might come from, or where her home might be. Feeling her heart cracking wide open. They say ‘broken heart.’ Floundering in a fog, rudderless, knowing only that she must trust, hope, put one foot in front of the other. And stay open to the possibility of utter destruction and complete transformation. ‘Creative chaos’ she is calling it. Suicidal thoughts sometimes (because she longs to go home), but these are dismissed as she faced and conquered that demon long ago. She knows she’d just have to come back and do it all over again, and she couldn’t hurt the kids. Other times she sees a tiny leaf or other small miracle and is transfixed, seeing this through child’s eyes. That feeling of cracking open while the world disappears. Her bones feel bleached white after too much anguish.

‘Love whatever arises.’ says Matt Kahn. (Google his Youtubes, they’re great.) What is left of a shattered life except a core of indestructible love inside. She clings to that core of certain love as to a life raft in a rough open sea. All beliefs, certainties, outer forms, habits, relationships, dependencies, entanglements are now shattered and ghostly. The little child inside is frightened she is dying. She holds her close in love – the only thing left in the utter darkness.

I have moved away from
my thirty year stale and loveless relationship.

Once we wore bright clear colours and knew our tasks. They were big. Co-create a beautiful home from mud, a garden on three acres, a happy thriving family, a new business to support us all, a place in the community.
All these we did gladly and well, with joy and certainty.  It was a grand
vision and a great work. How did it fall apart?

Slowly the door between our hearts shut down. Our bodies turned away.
No matter how hard and misguidedly I knocked, I couldn’t open this door again. I couldn’t find him any more. There was no personal connection. Only work, chat about the world, not ever about us.

Arguments about the same old things. Unable to change the crack in the record. Till it got intolerable.

I ran out of rope. I stopped the perpetual trying to reach him and re-establish love. Saw the pattern at last – me trying to reach others – him, my mother, my father. Them turning away, unable to see me or to open in love. ‘No matter how hard I try and try, they do not see or understand me and love me for who I am.’ The lot of a ‘too sensitive’ empath in a normal family.

So I bow to him and thank him in my heart for repeating this pattern
ad infinitum until at last I see it and know I must overcome it. He took the
role of the one who turns away.

It was a soul contract between us
that is now complete.

I see it as a constant dance – she steps forward, pleading for love, he turns the other way. The modern slogan is ’emotionally unavailable.’ It breaks her heart and she knows she has to gather all her courage to break free of the dynamic and the relationship. She feels some guilt – how could she have listened so poorly and made it unsafe for him to share himself? But she knows she now must turn her love and energy back in toward herself, stop looking to him or anyone else for this love.

Everything shatters. She lets everything go. Her home, her visions, shared work and projects, her old identity. Luckily the kids have all grown up. But even they are bereft as the grand family home no longer functions without the mother there. Father can’t make it work – he has alienated some of the kids with his righteousness and inability to show them his love.

So she moves out and sits in this space of unknowing. Even her twenty year business creation is now up for grabs. She’s exhausted;  can she really run it alone? What else could she do at her age for money? Such a labour of love. Should she let it go ? Or boot him out and re-imagine her creative business with new joy and direction?

It’s not time yet to choose. She sits waiting in the darkness of unknowing. Sometimes she is wracked with self doubt – why can’t I make decisions, I’m such a procrastinator, surely I know what my heart wants?

Only one finger of light remains. She knows beyond doubt that she must choose love. Now it is for herself. Turn that love around girl and learn to give it back to yourself. But what does that mean? She doesn’t know yet how to really love herself after all those years of giving and doing. It’s not self indulgence. She know to cradle and hold and speak lovingly to her inner child, that little one so abandoned long ago. She rocks her, soothes her. What else does “loving yourself” mean? She seeks that thin filament of light she knows connects her heart to heaven and to earth. When all is lost she clings to this and asks to be taken and transformed, risen and baked, so she can find bigger bigger love again. So she can express the love-bearer’s path in the biggest possible way, so her soul can soar again and be helpful to the World. For she knows she is a soul, not a body or mind or even heart. A divine soul, like all of us. Just stepped down and forgetful.

Just wait, in the darkness and fog, she knows. Trust it is coming, that sudden expansion of glorious, joyful creativity, that lifting of the spirit. They call it Ascension. Cling to that core of love and filament of light that connects her to Earth and All that is. Trust, trust. She sings quietly to herself – ‘All will be well all will be well.’  And she loves whatever arises.”

………………………………………………………..~ Magenta  4 July 2016

musings…

ALL IS WELL with Lyrics FROM JULIAN of NORWICH

             by MEG BARNHOUSE – https://youtu.be/_Kadbd3tCqc

wrapping up by Di…

When I was 3 years old, during the trauma of early abuse, I would hide
in the apple orchard for hours, saying one phrase:
“God is my real father and mother.”
I never heard that from anyone before or after.

Until…at age 14, I entered the convent and was given a Book of Saints
to read.  When I turned the page to St. Julian of Norwich, a medieval, sought-after theologian, I was just stunned to read that she taught:
“God is our Mother and Father!”  My words!  A coincidence?

Julian taught what Jesus taught her:  that we each come from Divinity,
and we are that. We are not human-only orphans, lost and weak.

Thus… “All shall be well, all manner of things shall be well.”
A deep trust, knowing who we are, from our Mother and Father God.
So we can be loving humans.
…………………………………………………~ Julian of Norwich

 

invitation to chime in…

Magenta’s Life-Storm is truly a Tsunami. Could this be her pivotal point, moving her from the old paradigm of lovers acting like “others,” calling her to surrender into new Love as the Sacred Oneness we are, as offspring of our One Mother and Father. Why else would she choose such a perfect song, using the version based on Julian’s words?

What keeps you going on?  Do you feel broken open to a Higher way of being? Grief has been known to “tear down and build up” a new, better way of living Life more fully.

Please let us know your thoughts in the comment area below.

(Your comments will be included in the Ebook Keepsake you will receive after the 12 days are done.) 😜 “wink”

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Comments

Di’s Xmas in July 2016: Day 1 — 9 Comments

  1. My Dear Magenta what a magnificent Day 1 you provided us. Your brave disclosure of your pain, loneliness and despair is an inspiration for me and more than likely others. We must remember that We Don’t Walk Alone and that “All Is Well”.

    • Thanks JFP. Glad you liked the music! Sometimes when I’ve been really low its just singing that “All will be well” mantra over and over that has kept me going.

  2. Thank you so much Vivienne! It is so wonderful to be heard and appreciated! I see women everywhere groping and striving for more loving conscious relationships, no longer prepared to stick it out in loveless, dysfunctional, stifled situations just to be safe or because they have no money. The pain of that can be worse than the pain of living alone. But so much courage is needed, and Di has helped me link in to that sustaining connection to both heaven and earth that keeps me going.

    • Such a blessing to have Di in our lives.
      Your words and your story touched me to my core. You are so right. I agree. So many women doing exactly that, staying, unloved and unappreciated. My cousin says she should have left years ago and she is not really happy but at 54 she’s not prepared to start over. I’m different, I’m not prepared to stay and live in misery.

      Again, thank you for sharing.
      Much love x

      • That is wonderful, and so very courageous Vivienne. You are choosing to live in truth. Lies are no longer tolerable. I get the sacrifices it takes to do this. And enormous trust about money, abundance, ability to support ourselves without relying on a man. Its the first time in human history women have been able to do this, so we are forging new paths.
        And we are forging new ways of wanting to love – honest and conscious ways. The first step is to love ourselves enough (know our divinity) to choose what is good and truthful for us. Looking inside for love, not outside. And healing old wounds. Being a great mother to that wounded child within. Only then can we attract the similar vibe love of a man who also wants to be conscious and honest.
        Thank you for showing yourself to me. There’s just a small group of pioneer women Vivienne – you must be one. We are waking up. Not everyone can yet. I feel great compassion for the sleeping unhappy ones.

        With much love,

        • Magenta
          You are a beautiful beautiful soul. It shines through your written words
          Have you decided about your business?
          We are here for you. I am here for you. God holds you in the palms of His hands. You are safe.
          X

  3. Oh Magenta I could see you and hear you. Amazingly I believe you so eloquently and beautifully speak for me and many others. Thank you for sharing that with me. I am honoured.
    Sending you love and hugs
    Vivienne

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